And no, I’m not talking about the booze fueled romance of LiHo or a Hilton. I’m referring to one of Hollywood’s most well-regarded couples. Snort.

Apparently Ashton and Demi are having trouble in paradise. Okay, hold the presses-wait. Some people were shocked by this?

I get that they had a good run and opposites attract (you tell it Paula Abdul) but I think everything has its limits.

Allegedly, he cheated on her with a 21 year old. How dare he hook up with someone only 11 years younger than him rather than someone 16 years older than him?

And really? Ashton was the “genius” behind Punk’d while Demi is a legit actress-barring Striptease but I think everyone deserves a gimme. And besides, she was smoking hot in that. If I had that body I’d dance around in sparkle bras ALL DAY LONG. Well, certainly more than I do now at any rate.

Of course, they’re denying the cheating rumors-what do you guys think?

Personally, I’m still flabbergasted that Demi is with assy Ashton rather than Bruce Willis-one of the hottest men ever and high on MY top five list. Anyone seen his print vodka ad? The man is delicious.

Anyways..Demi and Ashton-trouble in paradise? Shocking, I know. At least he didn’t bang Rumer.

So I just finished watching the season premiere of Dancing With the Stars. I actually think they have a good group this season.

Here’s my thoughts:

Audrina P has a crazy awesome body and may not be as utterly stupid as I assumed she was.

Eliza D, otherwise known as Faith, is probably going to resurrect some of her Buffy moves on Cheryl if Cheryl continues to touch E’s man, Rick Fox. She looked a little peeved.

Margaret Cho. I love you, adore you-think you are one of the funniest people ever. I MISS The Cho Show and your haunted vagina and anal bleaching. BUT I wish you would have just danced. Everyone expected you to be funny…and you were. Note to self: when I am famous and on DWTS I am NOT going to go for laughs-sparkles and glamour. Also? Spanx. Or stand up straight and suck in your tummy-your choice.

For a 76 year old women, Carol Brady is pretty built. I’m scared of her partner. He’s creepy tan.

Brandy-you were good, everyone figured you would be. Maks-you are still insanely hot and I want someone to tell me if you’re still dating Erin. I thought ya’ll were adorableness together. You and Erin, not you and Brandy. Though I am pretty fond of Brandy’s sparkle and feather promo dress.

The red head russian pro bothers me. Lots. I hope she goes away.

Corey in the house you were more adorable and less annoying than I expected. Lacey-you should not be allowed to choose your own costumes.

Jennifer Gray-so you’re like 50? God, that makes me feel old. But what happened to your face? You used to be so pretty. I’m sad you changed your nose but your body is rocking and you danced well.

Oh The Hoff-well I think it’s HILARIOUS that he made fun of himself saying how he’s still famous in Germany, I find you the epitome of creepy/dirtyness-and not in a good way. My fave line of the  whole show was when Len told you that it’s never too early to panic. And your partner Kim? Bratchild said she looked like a stripper and I think that was a fair statement. (However I was terribly jealous of your volumized bedhead.) I did feel violated after watching the Hoff dance so I can ONLY imagine your pain.

Bristol Palin -you can’t dance but I always thought you were dumpy. And? You’re not-your legs are fantabulous. We all now know how you got Levi.

The Situation-I can’t take the patterns cut into your hair. Or your sheer shirts. Or you opening your mouth. But your 80′s dance moves made me giggle.

Michael Bolton-you may be the first man ever to look worse minus a mullet.

Did you guys notice some of the peeps in the audience? Jamie Lee Curtis, Jon Gosselin, Vera Wang and Evan L-she designs his costumes. Couldn’t figure out why Jamie or Jon were there but I LOVED the look of contempt that Niecey Nash gave the Hoff.

So what are your predictions? Who did you love? Who do you think is leaving?

My predictions:

Who SHOULD Leave: The Hoff. Obviously.

Who WILL Leave: Margaret Cho or the Situation. And as much as I hate to admit it-I think it will end up being the Cho who gets booted.

Also: If I ever end up  built like any of the chicks this season-other than Margaret Cho-again I’m sorry, (You know I love you) I’m pretty sure I will wear NOTHING  but mini dresses made out of feathers and sparkles.

Oh lord, I took a breather and didn’t read any trashy magazines for a week and missed ALL kinds of Spencer and Heidi news.

I know, I know. It was foolish of me to think that just because they’d filed for divorce we wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore.

But, as you may know, Heidi is having her breast implants removed-proving that perhaps there IS a slight chance she has an almost undetectable bit of common sense floating around somewhere.

Which is fortunate because she keeps “accidentally” popping out of bikini tops-when there happen to be photogs around.

I get it, if I was famous for/had paid that much for something I’d be showing them to everyone also.

ALSO, Spencer got arrested leaving Costa Rica for illegal firearms, possession and something else.

Ummm, did anyone else see Brokedown Palace? Shouldn’t he be rotting in a cell somewhere in a dress and flip flops while bathing in other people’s poo and stuff? I thought guns and drugs in OTHER countries was a really big deal.

Oh wait, I get it. Costa Rica didn’t want to put up with him either. Well played CR, well played.

So most recently they were seen at an Avon Breast Cancer walk-posing for the cameras, I mean uh, raising money for a good cause, by walking together. I think it’s wrong for her to parade her ginormous breasteses in front of people in that situation.

Anybody called Vegas to check the odds on them getting back together, I mean not really having broke up?

On a technical note: We won’t be on the next couple weeks as Gellman is renovating our studio. It will be snazzier which means we will probably look worse and more high definition than ever. I think he’s spent SO much time with the Real Housewives that he’s about to make a porn movie starring Danielle and Lesbian Superstar Lori Do I really need a last name since I preface it with lesbian superstar Michaels?

Anyways, I hope he disinfects our set frequently.

So the Real Housewives of New Jersey had their finale last night and I? Was underwhelmed.

As you know, I am BEYOND excited that Danielle will not be back. She actually ruined the show for me as she was too REAL crazy to watch-it was uncomfortable.

I am beyond pleased that we will no longer have to endure her stellar grammar such as those woman and ain’t nobodies. Hooray!

She did, however, actually say one thing I AGREED with last night. Wait for it and mentally prepare. She said something directed to Teresa about how when her girls were that age they were in lace and crinoline and the dog wore leopard print. Wow. At one point, if it’s true, D may have had like a small percentage of sense.

I was totally confused when they were all sitting at dinner talking about how to get rid of Danielle. I expected people to break out concrete or machine guns…not for Caroline to invite her to tea. I AT LEAST was waiting for a “yeah…we got a problem…take care of it…no evidence” phone call.

I realize that’s not legal but I am NOT buying that these “entrepreneurs” in Jersey don’t have people to “handle” people. (If you do and you’re reading this, please come to Alabama. I will give you sweet tea and we can discuss my list.)

I am DYING to watch the reunion show and see what everyone has to say.

What did you guys think?

(Oh, we won’t be on tonight. Someone “handled” Gellman and he’s trapped in the ATL, with the Real Housewives from there, allegedly, and we don’t want to cough up the ransom fee.)

So NEXT WEEK starts our 15 minute episodes in our further quest to take over the internets-we’ll be everywhere.

So it would appear that Heidi’s surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, was murdered!

No, he was not killed by Heidi’s breasts in an unfortunate lap dancing/smothering situation.

The cause of his demise was…twitter.

Apparently the doctor was driving down the Pacific Coast Highway with his pet Heidi, I mean his border collie, and he was tweeting about how much his dog was enjoying the beautiful day…

I seriously feel kind of bad even talking about this but it’s just so damn ridiculous.

Apparently, tweeting about his dog and her love of pina coladas, driving with the top down and making love in the dunes caused him to lose control of his car and wreck.

He drove off a cliff and while he was killed, sadly, his dog did make it. She was thrown from the car and survived.

It is yet unknown if she ran off into the sunset while singing a chorus of Free at Last.

Heidi is beside herself, I mean, mainly cause the size of her boobs actually causes her to sit BESIDE herself in another seat but she would probably be sobbing…if she could anymore. I don’t think plastic cries.

So, AGAIN. WHY do famous people drive? When I become wealthy, first thing I am getting is a DRIVER. Like Kim G. Except I won’t wear unattractive underwear and dance on stripper poles in front of ex-cons.

And? Did he not watch the movie Seven Pounds? Totally cured me of texting and driving. For reals.

We at Southern Fried Snark are longtime lovers of fake hair. And I am going to go ahead and say if anyone wants to give us free extensions and PAY us to wear them-we are all over that.

Paris Hilton? Even screws up things concerning her hair.

She is being sued for $35 MILLION dollars by Hairtech International. Apparently she was paid around $3 million to wear their extensions and comply with their marketing mission. She missed a launch when she was in jail and they also feel her party lifestyle doesn’t fit their image.

Ummm…have they not been watching reality tv and seen what goes on with many who sport hair extensions? And, anyways, it’s PARIS HILTON. You know that story about the person who picked up a snake, got bit and was surprised? This totally applies here. I’m sorry, you knew what she was when you picked her up.

So the hair-ess is in hot water-for wearing other extensions. Her lawyers are fighting it, of course though I don’t know why. At this point in time her lawsuits are probably the version of a parking ticket to her parents. “Oh honey, don’t worry. We’ll pay your fine and I hope you’ve learned a lesson.”

And how are they going to prove she’s wearing the WRONG extensions? Are they THAT different? Will RuPaul testify? Will Kate Gosselin be called as a material witness? Will there be DNA testing?

Stay tuned as we keep our eyes on this hair-raising event.

I can barely contain my excitement-Project Runway comes back tonight!

I don’t even know if I can FULLY explain how much I adore everything about this show and am excited to see who we all love…and who we all love to hate.

First, the LOVES. Tim Gunn, obviously. I’m totally going to try to stalk him when the Snarkettes take Manhatten next week. I think Ronda will bail me out of jail? Heidi, of course. Despite the fact that sometimes? Her voice bothers the hell out of me. And I also envy her hair and her fantabulous body. Is she the one they call The Body?

I also completely adore Nina Garcia, the faces she makes are priceless and I get so tickled when people think she’s complimenting them and then she stabs them in the heart. I’d like to perfect that.

Michael Kors is hilarious, tied with Tim for my fave. The ways he tells people they suck? A complete art form.

I will say, I am rarely in agreement with their winners. I still think sweet little gay Southern Anthony should have won. I loved his aesthetic of being fashionable but wanting to dress women like ladies. Seth Aaron, eh. I wouldn’t have worn anything he designed.

I also detested Irina AND the “special” dress she created just for the INC line at Macy’s. It was basically a black wrap dress, which I love, but with a dinner-plate sized sparkle butterfly on the side. So not cute and when I saw it? WAY on clearance. Plus, she was a biatch.

So watch tonight and come back here to report your faves, your dis-likes, and of course your pick for winner. Maybe we can make that a contest? Pick your winner by week 2 and if you’re right, there’s a prize? Lemme check with the Team o’ Snark on that.

So the biggest freak out EVER is actually not on-screen this season with the Jersey Housewives.

Although, personally I’m still emotionally scarred from Danielle and the other old “ladies” dancing in a strip bar for a bunch of convicts. Anyone else find this horribly inappropriate? Just me?

ANYHOO-if you’d like to buy a memoir of the Housewives, you can. And no, I’m not talking about bits of Danielle’s scalp/weave though I am shocked they haven’t turned up on ebay yet.

Teresa is having to sell the contents of her house. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE 11 MILLIONDOLLARS IN DEBT. I honestly can’t even fathom how that can happen. The economy must truly be in the toilet if MOBSTERS, ahem entrepreneurs, are even suffering.

What’s up for grabs? Well, Gia is NOT on the auction block. As the most profitable one of the bunch, Mamma T is holding on to her little kiddy super model (blech). But the other 3? Totally up for grabs. I kid, I kind. I think?

Suit of armor? Jet boat? Decorative urn? Pool table? Snow plow? All this and MUCH MORE can be yours on August 29 for the low low price of $19.99 and only $6.95 in shipping and handling fees. Oh wait, I’m getting confused…The Housewives AREN’T an infomercial despite all of them using the show to sell books and “hit” songs. HOW do these biatches have a book deal and I don’t?

So you heard it hear, despite accosting, Danielle “Is Bitch better?” Staub that she and Joe were NOT banrupt, it would seem they, errr…are.

TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT-Someone is getting an iPad. Tune in at 9 pm central on www.southernfriedsnark.com and get your tweets and posts out there while you can!

So poor little lost LiHo CAN’T get a break…or even a drink. I mean, what is this? Jail? Oh…

It would seem that in jail, you can’t just do whatever you want, whenever you want and all that. Liho is shocked by this.

In jail, there are rules and stuff-which we ALL know our wily little Liho doesn’t like. Hello Carvel card abuse! It would seem that on Mondays, inmates can order food and items from the prison commissary (I didn’t know there was such a thing) and then they pick them up on Tuesdays. Well, Liho didn’t “check in” until Tuesday so those pesky rule-follower jailers are making her wait until next week.

Even for…water. She has been told if she wants water, she may drink from the sink in her room. But it’s like, gnarly and stuff so Liho won’t drink out of it. Ummm…I’m pretty sure our pal Linds has done things MUCH more grosserer than drink out of a prison sink. I mean, I would count putting things in my nose and mouth…and let’s face it, probably anal area, that have already been in other people’s orifices as far more disgusting than putting water from a sink that has probably at least been cleaned once in my mouth.

Honestly? The sink is probably more afraid of catching something from Lindsay.

It would seem that there IS a concession machine but, bless her heart, it’s probably too complicated for her to use.

In other, wow jail sucks and stuff news, she was only allowed ONE visitor this weekend, her lawyer. She used up all allocated visits during the week. As much as she loves Ali, she probably didn’t want to stare at her nips all week and I’m sure her dad coming to beg for cash was a downer too.

Poor Liho-let’s hope she’s at least allowed arts and crafts time-to work on her painting.

iPad giveaway is TUESDAY Night LIVE at 9 CENTRAL on southernfriedsnark.com

So Liho, prior to  her unfortunate incarceration, was exploring her, ummm…artistic side. Now, please don’t be confused and think I mean porn. I don’t think she’s there-yet.

But, as we learned the other night, if Bridget the Midget can have a successful porn career, what’s to stop Liho? She DID have dinner with ole’ Samantha a few days before she was locked up. Not that the two are related…allegedly.

Anyhoo-Liho has decided to take up painting. If I were her-I would quit trying. It has GOT to be a bummer to f up everything you do. Acting, designing, singing, consulting, escorting a man to an event for money- all now in the “not a win” category.

So she’s painting and would like to sell her snatch, I mean her work. But there’s a hold up-and not just because she’s currently in the big house.  It seems  little Liho is having difficulty (snicker, with life in general?) perfecting the perfect paint color for her…tan. (You totally thought I was going to say whoha didn’t you?)

I’d go with Oompa Loompa Orange and call it a day. That way she could also paint pics of Kelly Killmyskin Bensimmon.

Don’t forget-we give away the iPad LIVE on Tuesday night! You could win. Tweet, facebook and blog about us and then let us know-it’ll get your name in the hat. And no, I can’t win. *sigh*