Southern Fried Snark

So the Real Housewives of New Jersey had their finale last night and I? Was underwhelmed.

As you know, I am BEYOND excited that Danielle will not be back. She actually ruined the show for me as she was too REAL crazy to watch-it was uncomfortable.

I am beyond pleased that we will no longer have to endure her stellar grammar such as those woman and ain’t nobodies. Hooray!

She did, however, actually say one thing I AGREED with last night. Wait for it and mentally prepare. She said something directed to Teresa about how when her girls were that age they were in lace and crinoline and the dog wore leopard print. Wow. At one point, if it’s true, D may have had like a small percentage of sense.

I was totally confused when they were all sitting at dinner talking about how to get rid of Danielle. I expected people to break out concrete or machine guns…not for Caroline to invite her to tea. I AT LEAST was waiting for a “yeah…we got a problem…take care of it…no evidence” phone call.

I realize that’s not legal but I am NOT buying that these “entrepreneurs” in Jersey don’t have people to “handle” people. (If you do and you’re reading this, please come to Alabama. I will give you sweet tea and we can discuss my list.)

I am DYING to watch the reunion show and see what everyone has to say.

What did you guys think?

(Oh, we won’t be on tonight. Someone “handled” Gellman and he’s trapped in the ATL, with the Real Housewives from there, allegedly, and we don’t want to cough up the ransom fee.)

So NEXT WEEK starts our 15 minute episodes in our further quest to take over the internets-we’ll be everywhere.

So it would appear that Heidi’s surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, was murdered!

No, he was not killed by Heidi’s breasts in an unfortunate lap dancing/smothering situation.

The cause of his demise was…twitter.

Apparently the doctor was driving down the Pacific Coast Highway with his pet Heidi, I mean his border collie, and he was tweeting about how much his dog was enjoying the beautiful day…

I seriously feel kind of bad even talking about this but it’s just so damn ridiculous.

Apparently, tweeting about his dog and her love of pina coladas, driving with the top down and making love in the dunes caused him to lose control of his car and wreck.

He drove off a cliff and while he was killed, sadly, his dog did make it. She was thrown from the car and survived.

It is yet unknown if she ran off into the sunset while singing a chorus of Free at Last.

Heidi is beside herself, I mean, mainly cause the size of her boobs actually causes her to sit BESIDE herself in another seat but she would probably be sobbing…if she could anymore. I don’t think plastic cries.

So, AGAIN. WHY do famous people drive? When I become wealthy, first thing I am getting is a DRIVER. Like Kim G. Except I won’t wear unattractive underwear and dance on stripper poles in front of ex-cons.

And? Did he not watch the movie Seven Pounds? Totally cured me of texting and driving. For reals.

We at Southern Fried Snark are longtime lovers of fake hair. And I am going to go ahead and say if anyone wants to give us free extensions and PAY us to wear them-we are all over that.

Paris Hilton? Even screws up things concerning her hair.

She is being sued for $35 MILLION dollars by Hairtech International. Apparently she was paid around $3 million to wear their extensions and comply with their marketing mission. She missed a launch when she was in jail and they also feel her party lifestyle doesn’t fit their image.

Ummm…have they not been watching reality tv and seen what goes on with many who sport hair extensions? And, anyways, it’s PARIS HILTON. You know that story about the person who picked up a snake, got bit and was surprised? This totally applies here. I’m sorry, you knew what she was when you picked her up.

So the hair-ess is in hot water-for wearing other extensions. Her lawyers are fighting it, of course though I don’t know why. At this point in time her lawsuits are probably the version of a parking ticket to her parents. “Oh honey, don’t worry. We’ll pay your fine and I hope you’ve learned a lesson.”

And how are they going to prove she’s wearing the WRONG extensions? Are they THAT different? Will RuPaul testify? Will Kate Gosselin be called as a material witness? Will there be DNA testing?

Stay tuned as we keep our eyes on this hair-raising event.

I can barely contain my excitement-Project Runway comes back tonight!

I don’t even know if I can FULLY explain how much I adore everything about this show and am excited to see who we all love…and who we all love to hate.

First, the LOVES. Tim Gunn, obviously. I’m totally going to try to stalk him when the Snarkettes take Manhatten next week. I think Ronda will bail me out of jail? Heidi, of course. Despite the fact that sometimes? Her voice bothers the hell out of me. And I also envy her hair and her fantabulous body. Is she the one they call The Body?

I also completely adore Nina Garcia, the faces she makes are priceless and I get so tickled when people think she’s complimenting them and then she stabs them in the heart. I’d like to perfect that.

Michael Kors is hilarious, tied with Tim for my fave. The ways he tells people they suck? A complete art form.

I will say, I am rarely in agreement with their winners. I still think sweet little gay Southern Anthony should have won. I loved his aesthetic of being fashionable but wanting to dress women like ladies. Seth Aaron, eh. I wouldn’t have worn anything he designed.

I also detested Irina AND the “special” dress she created just for the INC line at Macy’s. It was basically a black wrap dress, which I love, but with a dinner-plate sized sparkle butterfly on the side. So not cute and when I saw it? WAY on clearance. Plus, she was a biatch.

So watch tonight and come back here to report your faves, your dis-likes, and of course your pick for winner. Maybe we can make that a contest? Pick your winner by week 2 and if you’re right, there’s a prize? Lemme check with the Team o’ Snark on that.

So the biggest freak out EVER is actually not on-screen this season with the Jersey Housewives.

Although, personally I’m still emotionally scarred from Danielle and the other old “ladies” dancing in a strip bar for a bunch of convicts. Anyone else find this horribly inappropriate? Just me?

ANYHOO-if you’d like to buy a memoir of the Housewives, you can. And no, I’m not talking about bits of Danielle’s scalp/weave though I am shocked they haven’t turned up on ebay yet.

Teresa is having to sell the contents of her house. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE 11 MILLIONDOLLARS IN DEBT. I honestly can’t even fathom how that can happen. The economy must truly be in the toilet if MOBSTERS, ahem entrepreneurs, are even suffering.

What’s up for grabs? Well, Gia is NOT on the auction block. As the most profitable one of the bunch, Mamma T is holding on to her little kiddy super model (blech). But the other 3? Totally up for grabs. I kid, I kind. I think?

Suit of armor? Jet boat? Decorative urn? Pool table? Snow plow? All this and MUCH MORE can be yours on August 29 for the low low price of $19.99 and only $6.95 in shipping and handling fees. Oh wait, I’m getting confused…The Housewives AREN’T an infomercial despite all of them using the show to sell books and “hit” songs. HOW do these biatches have a book deal and I don’t?

So you heard it hear, despite accosting, Danielle “Is Bitch better?” Staub that she and Joe were NOT banrupt, it would seem they, errr…are.

TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT-Someone is getting an iPad. Tune in at 9 pm central on www.southernfriedsnark.com and get your tweets and posts out there while you can!

So poor little lost LiHo CAN’T get a break…or even a drink. I mean, what is this? Jail? Oh…

It would seem that in jail, you can’t just do whatever you want, whenever you want and all that. Liho is shocked by this.

In jail, there are rules and stuff-which we ALL know our wily little Liho doesn’t like. Hello Carvel card abuse! It would seem that on Mondays, inmates can order food and items from the prison commissary (I didn’t know there was such a thing) and then they pick them up on Tuesdays. Well, Liho didn’t “check in” until Tuesday so those pesky rule-follower jailers are making her wait until next week.

Even for…water. She has been told if she wants water, she may drink from the sink in her room. But it’s like, gnarly and stuff so Liho won’t drink out of it. Ummm…I’m pretty sure our pal Linds has done things MUCH more grosserer than drink out of a prison sink. I mean, I would count putting things in my nose and mouth…and let’s face it, probably anal area, that have already been in other people’s orifices as far more disgusting than putting water from a sink that has probably at least been cleaned once in my mouth.

Honestly? The sink is probably more afraid of catching something from Lindsay.

It would seem that there IS a concession machine but, bless her heart, it’s probably too complicated for her to use.

In other, wow jail sucks and stuff news, she was only allowed ONE visitor this weekend, her lawyer. She used up all allocated visits during the week. As much as she loves Ali, she probably didn’t want to stare at her nips all week and I’m sure her dad coming to beg for cash was a downer too.

Poor Liho-let’s hope she’s at least allowed arts and crafts time-to work on her painting.

iPad giveaway is TUESDAY Night LIVE at 9 CENTRAL on southernfriedsnark.com

So Liho, prior to  her unfortunate incarceration, was exploring her, ummm…artistic side. Now, please don’t be confused and think I mean porn. I don’t think she’s there-yet.

But, as we learned the other night, if Bridget the Midget can have a successful porn career, what’s to stop Liho? She DID have dinner with ole’ Samantha a few days before she was locked up. Not that the two are related…allegedly.

Anyhoo-Liho has decided to take up painting. If I were her-I would quit trying. It has GOT to be a bummer to f up everything you do. Acting, designing, singing, consulting, escorting a man to an event for money- all now in the “not a win” category.

So she’s painting and would like to sell her snatch, I mean her work. But there’s a hold up-and not just because she’s currently in the big house.  It seems  little Liho is having difficulty (snicker, with life in general?) perfecting the perfect paint color for her…tan. (You totally thought I was going to say whoha didn’t you?)

I’d go with Oompa Loompa Orange and call it a day. That way she could also paint pics of Kelly Killmyskin Bensimmon.

Don’t forget-we give away the iPad LIVE on Tuesday night! You could win. Tweet, facebook and blog about us and then let us know-it’ll get your name in the hat. And no, I can’t win. *sigh*

So it seems Mel Gibson has now offended and alienated, perhaps, every single person on the planet. Jeez, that’s worse than us. Granted, he’s a crazy famous super rich actor/producer/professional sperm donor and? We’re not. (I’m sure we could manage if given the same exposure.)

So Octo-Mel, no really-he dubbed himself that, and Nadya-I mean Oksana (I think they look alike) have broken up and it’s not pretty. At all. They actually broke up a bit ago and it’s just now getting really ugly. This is why I don’t talk to exes. I like to give them the option of dying or moving away, their choice.

Whatever happened to the lovable guy from Lethal Weapon and the hot but creepy dude from Mad Max? (I’m not talking about Tina Turner here.)

I’ve had LOTS of ugly breakups but this? Is insane. Now he’s actually being investigated for domestic violence. There’s an 8 minute tape of a conversation between him and Nadya, I mean Oksana, in which he calls her racial slurs and tells her she deserves to be hit. Allegedly he punched her in the face and broke out 2 teeth.

People are actually speculating it won’t even really affect his career because he has enough money to make movies himself if he wants to.

Would you watch him in a film?

Is he going to start dating Loho soon? I think that’s his only logical next step.

We’re LIVE here tonight at 9 central!

If it’s on Bravo, I watch it-other than cooking shows or that stupid artist thing that the mule, I mean Sarah Jessica Parker, came up with.

So of course, despite how intensely I am bothered by her jaw and her whole taste everything, eat nothing attitude, I have been watching Bethenny Getting Married? Yes, I have to end that sentence with a question mark because that is how they titled the show.

Ummm…anyone other than me think that is the dumbest title ever? Dude, we ALREADY know she got married. It was in tabloids. You showed it in the previews. She talked about it on twitter.

I watched the wedding episode this morning and it KILLED me. I couldn’t get past the whole peeing in an ice bucket while people removed your underwear. I was horrified. As was Shawn-what did he call it? Her cooch-looch? That’s a term I hadn’t heard before.

And, Shawn, bless his heart, I am honestly amazed he survived this wedding with his balls intact. Also? All I can think of when I look at him is Buster from Arrested Development-possibly one of the top 5 shows to EVER be on tv. Anyone else have this reaction to him?

I actually loved Ramona’s dress, despite my constant urge to punch her in the face. Alex? Seriously? You looked like Morticia Adam’s ugly step-sister. Twas not cute.

What did you think of the episode?

PLEASE click the BlogLuxe button in our sidebar and VOTE. Only 3 more days! Pretty please! Lots of laugh, love and snark coming your way if you do.

So all the reputable news outlets (Star, US, Life & Style) have been positively buzzing with news about Prince William and Kate M. When will they marry, will they marry, etc.

The British Press? Has taken to calling her Waity-Katey since they’ve been dating for 8 years or something. Really? I know chicks that dated the guy for 10 years before marriage-and there were no crown jewels or titles on the line there.

William is second in line to the throne, assuming Queen Elizabeth isn’t some kind of eternal succubus (possible) that will live forever, that little boy will be King someday. And I get confused about the royal stuff but Kate could be Queen-or at least a Princess.

And who doesn’t want to be a Princess? I would wait a pretty long time if I thought there was a crown in my future. And she’s young-she’s not 900 like Camilla Parker Bowles-who I don’t think will ever have the Queen title.

When I was younger, my mom got us up to watch Princess Di’s wedding. And that? Pretty much cemented my desire to be a Princess. For real, not in my mind.

Do you think she’s crazy to wait so long?

A couple more things-while you’re here-which we already love you for, don’t forget about the iPad giveaway and please click the BlogLuxe button in our sidebar to vote. There’s only SIX more days and YOU can VOTE ONCE A DAY. Pretty please with snark on top? The button will take you to the site and you can vote for Southern Fried Snark under guiltiest pleasure. You will get an email from “party.” Please click the link in it to verify your vote. Thanks so much!