Southern Fried Snark

LoHo will spend the next four weeks in jail waiting for a probation revocation hearing.

Judge Fox ordered the revocation of LoHo’s probation based on her positive drug test. Her next hearing is set for October 22. When LoHo’s attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, requested that the judge to hear her arguments for bail, he answered, “Nope.” (this cracks me up…I can just hear the tone!)

Witnesses claim LoHo was stonefaced as deputies handcuffed her hands behind her back and walked her out of the courtroom.

Her father, not wanting to miss an opportunity to whore himself out to the press, had the following to say.

“It’s a horrible situation. I just hope the judge remands Lindsay to a rehab for a longer period of time and the people in Lindsay’s life that are destroying her life and leading her down the wrong path are weeded out.”

Well I guess twitter is the new confessional.  Priest are so 5 minutes ago.  One of our fav celebri-hoes is at it again…

Lindsay Lohan tweeted Friday night that she failed a recent drug test, but she’s “working hard to overcome” her drug addiction.  LoHo’s probation requires random drug tests. Judge Elden Fox imposed a new set of rules for LoHo to follow until November.  It included weekly counseling sessions for alcohol and drug rehab, random drug tests and behavioral therapy.  The judge warned her that any failure to comply could send her back to jail.  I guess that 13 days she served in jail (and 23 in rehab) just didn’t make an impact.

Tweets from LoHo on Friday night:

“Regrettably, I did in fact fail my most recent drug test and if I am asked, I am prepared to appear before judge Fox next week as a result,”

“Substance abuse is a disease, which unfortunately doesn’t go away overnight,”

“I am working hard to overcome it and am taking positive steps.”

LoHo also tweeted that she was “doing what I must do to prevent any mishaps in the future.”

“This was certainly a setback for me, but I am taking responsibility for my actions and I’m prepared to face the consequences,”

I think she is just on a sad sad downward spiral.  Poor little rich girl.

It would seem little Miss LiHO did not get enough of orange while she was in prison. I don’t know about you but an orange jumpsuit? Would probably cure me of any love for the hue.

But her very FIRST stop after being released from rehab? A spray tan joint. Well, there was a one am maserati drive in there too.

And basically LiHO got out of rehab after 20-odd days, they were predicting 90, because her doctors INSISTED that she didn’t need to be there…and the judge bought it.

Can I just say that whenever my Lifetime Movie Network nightmare comes to fruition and J has me involuntarily committed so he can canoodle our postal lady-I WANT those docs.

If they think LiHO doesn’t need help, there is NOTHING I can possibly due that could ever be more full of the crazy.

So all’s right in the world…LiHO is driving the streets of LA at all hours and she’s back to her normal, orange hue.

I, for one, feel better. The world is a safer place.

Through careful and studied research, Ronda and I have finally experienced what it feels like to be poor, poor Lindsey Lohan.

It means being driven to a questionable hotel where you eat vending machine food for dinner at 1:30 in the morning and observe as a large, burly gay man tries to pick up a drunk Native American biker that can’t seem to work the elevators and is angry because his old lady went to the room without him. He’s also toting around bottles of beer in a plastic bag.

It means pulling little baggies of white powder out of a package that has been given to you. (In our case, it was powder detergent.)

It means staying awake because you have been traveling forever and only getting two hours of sleep because you have another “appearance” coming up shortly.

It means checking out the safety rules your hotel has helpfully left on your bed.

It also means you wash your underwear in a sink, hang it up to dry and then when that fails, you spend 30 minutes attempting to blow dry it.

It means wearing the same leggings and scarf for several days and keeping an extra pair of shoes in your bag.

Okay, I lied. All of those things are what it feels like to be LiHo EXCEPT for the underwear washing. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t worry about that.

Well, I know ALL of you have been holding your own private candlelight vigils in support of Liho as she rots away in jail. Although unless you’re drinking and driving, making out with Sam Ronson, looking like a hot mess and doing some coke, you’re just not properly honoring Lindsay.

But not to worry, you don’t have to start any of those things now. Liho has been sprung from the big house and is heading to…rehab?

She was supposed to have a 24 hour “break” before heading to the rehab facility but since this judge is no dummy, she changed that ruling. Supposedly she will be heading to the same facility used by Britney Spears. I don’t know about you but I don’t really think Brit is the glowing poster child for recommending a rehab center? Just me.

Hopefully, rehab will be an entirely more positive experience in that they will allow poor little Lindsay access to bottled water since her body is too pure for tap water. *snort* I was laughing as I typed that.

But now for the question REALLY weighing on everyone’s mind…will little sister Ali be sporting a brassiere now that her sister’s terrifying 14 day ordeal is over? Will she renew her ban on bras since Liho is essentially going from one lockup to another?

The public deserves answers.

So poor little lost LiHo CAN’T get a break…or even a drink. I mean, what is this? Jail? Oh…

It would seem that in jail, you can’t just do whatever you want, whenever you want and all that. Liho is shocked by this.

In jail, there are rules and stuff-which we ALL know our wily little Liho doesn’t like. Hello Carvel card abuse! It would seem that on Mondays, inmates can order food and items from the prison commissary (I didn’t know there was such a thing) and then they pick them up on Tuesdays. Well, Liho didn’t “check in” until Tuesday so those pesky rule-follower jailers are making her wait until next week.

Even for…water. She has been told if she wants water, she may drink from the sink in her room. But it’s like, gnarly and stuff so Liho won’t drink out of it. Ummm…I’m pretty sure our pal Linds has done things MUCH more grosserer than drink out of a prison sink. I mean, I would count putting things in my nose and mouth…and let’s face it, probably anal area, that have already been in other people’s orifices as far more disgusting than putting water from a sink that has probably at least been cleaned once in my mouth.

Honestly? The sink is probably more afraid of catching something from Lindsay.

It would seem that there IS a concession machine but, bless her heart, it’s probably too complicated for her to use.

In other, wow jail sucks and stuff news, she was only allowed ONE visitor this weekend, her lawyer. She used up all allocated visits during the week. As much as she loves Ali, she probably didn’t want to stare at her nips all week and I’m sure her dad coming to beg for cash was a downer too.

Poor Liho-let’s hope she’s at least allowed arts and crafts time-to work on her painting.

iPad giveaway is TUESDAY Night LIVE at 9 CENTRAL on southernfriedsnark.com

So Liho, prior to  her unfortunate incarceration, was exploring her, ummm…artistic side. Now, please don’t be confused and think I mean porn. I don’t think she’s there-yet.

But, as we learned the other night, if Bridget the Midget can have a successful porn career, what’s to stop Liho? She DID have dinner with ole’ Samantha a few days before she was locked up. Not that the two are related…allegedly.

Anyhoo-Liho has decided to take up painting. If I were her-I would quit trying. It has GOT to be a bummer to f up everything you do. Acting, designing, singing, consulting, escorting a man to an event for money- all now in the “not a win” category.

So she’s painting and would like to sell her snatch, I mean her work. But there’s a hold up-and not just because she’s currently in the big house.  It seems  little Liho is having difficulty (snicker, with life in general?) perfecting the perfect paint color for her…tan. (You totally thought I was going to say whoha didn’t you?)

I’d go with Oompa Loompa Orange and call it a day. That way she could also paint pics of Kelly Killmyskin Bensimmon.

Don’t forget-we give away the iPad LIVE on Tuesday night! You could win. Tweet, facebook and blog about us and then let us know-it’ll get your name in the hat. And no, I can’t win. *sigh*

Southern Fried Snark Episode 32
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Now that Lindsay Lohan has had the smackdown put on her… she is all weepy and repentant. I don’t buy it. What a worthless whore. She needs to GROW UP and do something about her hair.
Ok…fine. I get that she is an addict and I get that with that comes a lot of bullshit BUT she doesn’t have to be a trashy bitch too. You can be a classy addict. I have known many an addict that didn’t not have “fuck you” manicures and shitty hair. They weren’t running around selling pics of their SCRAM and club hopping.
Here is the deal. Lindsay needs to go back to rehab, get a freaking grip and grow up. The novelty of her antics is wearing thin and pretty soon she will be irrelevant.
Bless her heart…

Southern Fried Snark Episode 17
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