Oh lord, I took a breather and didn’t read any trashy magazines for a week and missed ALL kinds of Spencer and Heidi news.

I know, I know. It was foolish of me to think that just because they’d filed for divorce we wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore.

But, as you may know, Heidi is having her breast implants removed-proving that perhaps there IS a slight chance she has an almost undetectable bit of common sense floating around somewhere.

Which is fortunate because she keeps “accidentally” popping out of bikini tops-when there happen to be photogs around.

I get it, if I was famous for/had paid that much for something I’d be showing them to everyone also.

ALSO, Spencer got arrested leaving Costa Rica for illegal firearms, possession and something else.

Ummm, did anyone else see Brokedown Palace? Shouldn’t he be rotting in a cell somewhere in a dress and flip flops while bathing in other people’s poo and stuff? I thought guns and drugs in OTHER countries was a really big deal.

Oh wait, I get it. Costa Rica didn’t want to put up with him either. Well played CR, well played.

So most recently they were seen at an Avon Breast Cancer walk-posing for the cameras, I mean uh, raising money for a good cause, by walking together. I think it’s wrong for her to parade her ginormous breasteses in front of people in that situation.

Anybody called Vegas to check the odds on them getting back together, I mean not really having broke up?

On a technical note: We won’t be on the next couple weeks as Gellman is renovating our studio. It will be snazzier which means we will probably look worse and more high definition than ever. I think he’s spent SO much time with the Real Housewives that he’s about to make a porn movie starring Danielle and Lesbian Superstar Lori Do I really need a last name since I preface it with lesbian superstar Michaels?

Anyways, I hope he disinfects our set frequently.

TMZ is reporting that Heidi and Spencer were together in Costa Rica this weekend. Spencer says he was handing off dogs. I call bullshit on that. Who the hell goes to Costa Rica to relinquish custody of DOGS? No one. Not even Spencer.

Hmmm they are shouting divorce and sex tapes and reality shows. Does anyone else feel like maybe possibly this could be a PR stunt? I would hate to assume the worst and all but come on.

What do you think? Do you think that the sex tape scandal is really a scandal…or is Heidi in on it?
Do you think the divorce is real?
Do you think Heidi’s boobs are real?

Let us know what you think…we care about your opinions.

So it would appear that Heidi’s surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, was murdered!

No, he was not killed by Heidi’s breasts in an unfortunate lap dancing/smothering situation.

The cause of his demise was…twitter.

Apparently the doctor was driving down the Pacific Coast Highway with his pet Heidi, I mean his border collie, and he was tweeting about how much his dog was enjoying the beautiful day…

I seriously feel kind of bad even talking about this but it’s just so damn ridiculous.

Apparently, tweeting about his dog and her love of pina coladas, driving with the top down and making love in the dunes caused him to lose control of his car and wreck.

He drove off a cliff and while he was killed, sadly, his dog did make it. She was thrown from the car and survived.

It is yet unknown if she ran off into the sunset while singing a chorus of Free at Last.

Heidi is beside herself, I mean, mainly cause the size of her boobs actually causes her to sit BESIDE herself in another seat but she would probably be sobbing…if she could anymore. I don’t think plastic cries.

So, AGAIN. WHY do famous people drive? When I become wealthy, first thing I am getting is a DRIVER. Like Kim G. Except I won’t wear unattractive underwear and dance on stripper poles in front of ex-cons.

And? Did he not watch the movie Seven Pounds? Totally cured me of texting and driving. For reals.

It’s been so very quiet in the wild, wild world of Spencer and Heidi lately.

Presumably he’s been tied up with his crystals and, well, Heidi has been tied up in a closet under the guard of an ex-marine…or something.

Well, she must have gnawed through the knots and somehow outwitted, I know it’s hard to comprehend, her opponent-I mean husband, Spencer.

Heidi has filed for divorce. She is looking for  a new way to cash in on fame, I mean find true love, and I guess she’s realized crazy-eyed Spencer is not her twue lub.

Anyone else think this is just another publicity stunt and soon they’ll be reconciled cause Heidi is preggers? Let’s hope not. Maybe all the silicone will prevent an egg from implanting?

Southern Fried Snark Episode 24

Show Notes:
Boot Camp revisit – LAST WEEK!

Heidi Montag doesn’t like being touched on her ass. Though I’m surprised she can feel it.

http://perezhilton.com/2010-04-13-heidi-montag-alleges-sexual-assault-from-hills-creator

Jessica Simpson making the rounds .. and looking rounded:

http://socialitelife.celebuzz.com/archive/2010/04/13/jessica_simpsons_weight_-_round_386.php

“Billy the Exterminator” star busted .. for roaches. (I CAN’T EVEN MAKE THIS STUFF UP, IT’S SO GOOD.)

http://www.tmz.com/2010/04/13/billy-the-exterminator-ricky-lee-bretherton-reality-show-arrest/

Moment of Silence: We honor the original lady of Snark, Miss Julia Sugarbaker (Dixie Carter).

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20360413,00.html

Okay: can we just talk about all of the hate that’s out there recently?

* the fake prom to deter lesbian couple in MS
* This in New Jersey
* The Pope likening the accusation of sexual misconduct by priests to the persecution of Jews during the Holocaust
* WTF IS GOING ON WITH PEOPLE?!

Oh, the knowledge that would come with this pairing: John Tesh and Oprah were once a couple.

http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2010/04/13/john-tesh-confirms-he-dated-oprah/

Chocolate bacon funnel cake is now on the menu at Knott’s Berry Farm.

Discovery Communications agrees to pay Sarah Palin $1.2 million per episode to host the TV series “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” Episodes to include “Aerial Wolf Hunt” and “Drill, Baby, Drill.”

According to Kitty Kelley’s new book, Oprah once said, “Oprah does not do stairs.” My new mantra.

Library of Congress to save “tweets”

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/15/technology/15twitter.html?src=me&ref=technology

Dixie Carter dies at age 70.

Josie Duggar back in the hospital after complications from breast milk fortifiers.

Mario Lopez is addicted to Real Housewives NYC.

Demi Moore and Ashton considering children.

Elizabeth Taylor denying the rumor that she is engaged. (It would be her 9th marriage!)

Heidi Montag – still a fame whore.

Conan in talks with TBS.

Southern Fried Snark Episode 21

Show Notes:

Episode 21
Show Notes 3-30-10

Ricky Martin is gay….shocking.
Kate Gosseling is a bitch….shocking.

Miley quiting music to focus on acting.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/dailydish/indexd?blogid=7&year=2010&month=03&day=29

Nick Cannon buys Mariah a pink porsche and pink TRAMPoline
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/dailydish/indexd?blogid=7&year=2010&month=03&day=29

Heidi Montag: “It’s time to quit the drama .. and become the mogul I am.”
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20355648,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+people%2Fheadlines+%28PEOPLE.com%3A+Top+Headlines%29

Tori and Dean .. taking their kids and “guncles” around in an RV for a new show.
http://socialitelife.celebuzz.com/archive/2010/03/30/tori_and_dean_still_trying_to_make_this_show_happen.php?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+celebuzz%2FpuGs+%28Socialite+Life+Atom%29

Karma’s a biatch.  Madonna: “I wish Lourdes would dress more conservatively.”
http://www.usmagazine.com/stylebeauty/news/madonna-i-wish-lourdes-would-dress-more-conservatively-2010303

• Let’s talk about little girls dressing not so little any more
• Juicy on the butt and whatnot
• Two piece bikinis in the infant section

Another piece of news that Sarah COULDN’T CARE LESS ABOUT: a Twilight novella to be released.
http://perezhilton.com/2010-03-30-twilight-author-to-release-new-twilight-material

Jon Heder abruptly leaves Comedy Central show while taping.  Also: who is Jon Heder again?
http://defamer.gawker.com/5505349/napoleon-dynamite-has-eaten-his-last-tater-tot

Same link, different story: AMC to pick up rights to Walking Dead.  YESSSSS!!  BRAAAAAAAINS!

OOOOH, Friends no more: David Schwimmer apparently pissed over Anniston’s fiancee quip on Letterman.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/dailydish/detail?blogid=7&entry_id=60156

This actually cracked me up.  I tried to embed the video but it is giving me a hard time… so click on through and check it out.

http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/3pgb

Southern Fried Snark Episode 12

Show Notes:

Gosselin returns .. Kate, that is. No eight expected. – Link

If Ginny Weasley and Volturi family member Caius have babies, will they have a spinoff series that will rule the world? – Link

Also in Potter-World: JK Rowling accused of plagiarism .. but only for Book #4 – Link

What will Tiger say tomorrow? – Link

Heidi Montag admits her new favorite body part (hint: it ain’t on her chest) – Link

Top Chef: Tom Collichio, Bryan Voltaggio, and Our Favorite Kevin all nominated for James Beard award! – Link

Not so much snarky as downright creepy: school system uses students’ webcams to spy on them AT HOME – Link

I think it’s pretty obvious that we here at Southern Fried Snark are raging Twitterholics.  Ronda and I both have it loaded on our iPhones and we hope that everyone isn’t constantly annoyed that we interject EVERY conversation with “OMG, LISTEN TO WHAT SO AND SO JUST TWEETED!”

Alright, so we know they’re annoyed, but we have to stay CONNECTED, people.

But, ladies and gents, I have found the ultimate Twitter user.

Heidi Montag has a Twitter.

With such gems as “note to anyone who gets a nose job, take off you tape in the shower after it is wet!” and “watch Spencer and I practicing shoot house clearing operations and vehicle extraction at American Defense Enterprises!” (WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!), it’s totally worth a gander.

Then go wash your eyes out with soap.