Southern Fried Snark

I always find the word “stars” questionable when used in conjunction with “Dancing with the….”   I feel that the producers and I have a different definition of the word “stars.”

Anyway… the cast for the upcoming season will be announced officially  on Monday but of course there are rumors galore.  Here is what we are hearing through the interwebs.

Confirmed (allegedly)

Rick Fox – I had to google him.  He dates Eliza Dushku so he gets points for that.

Michael Bolton – I wonder if has gotten a hair cut lately…I wouldn’t know because NO ONE CARES!

Bristol Palin -famous for being the knocked up Pres of the celibacy club doesn’t make you a “star”

Jennifer Gray – YES! NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER! I will watch to see if someone puts the “lift” in!  THEY HAVE TO!

Audrina Patridge – boring

The Situation- train wreck

David Hasselhoff – judge not lest ye be judged. I guess we get to see if he’s “got talent.”

Brandy and Florence Henderson - i have nothing….

And we have it on good authority that despite the rumors they won’t be joined by either Kirstie Alley, Landon Donovan, Troy Aiken or any of The Bachelor or Bachelorette cast members.

Will this cast make you want to set your TIVO?

I have to go now….there are so many Dirty Dancing clips on youtube calling my name!

It would seem little Miss LiHO did not get enough of orange while she was in prison. I don’t know about you but an orange jumpsuit? Would probably cure me of any love for the hue.

But her very FIRST stop after being released from rehab? A spray tan joint. Well, there was a one am maserati drive in there too.

And basically LiHO got out of rehab after 20-odd days, they were predicting 90, because her doctors INSISTED that she didn’t need to be there…and the judge bought it.

Can I just say that whenever my Lifetime Movie Network nightmare comes to fruition and J has me involuntarily committed so he can canoodle our postal lady-I WANT those docs.

If they think LiHO doesn’t need help, there is NOTHING I can possibly due that could ever be more full of the crazy.

So all’s right in the world…LiHO is driving the streets of LA at all hours and she’s back to her normal, orange hue.

I, for one, feel better. The world is a safer place.

We have all seen more of Levi than we ever expected. Way more.

ummm where was I ….? OH!

(well…he is nice to look at….sorry)

(I am easily distracted by shiny things and naked six packs…I am only HUMAN)

(Hey Amy – no shower curtain here!)

So anyway… he was part of the scandal that cast a shadow over the Palin for VP campaign, but he seemed descent enough when he ponied up an engagement after knocking up the ever celibate Bristol. Well despite a baby and future MIL that is a hot Tina Fay look a like…the relationship and engagement to Bristol just doesn’t work out. Scandal. So in an attempt to find himself (all of him…) Levi takes it all off and struts it out for Playgirl. I guess that got some attention because he and Bristol hooked back up…for about a month.  No one cares why it didn’t work.

BUT NOW…. he is (of course) after another 15 minutes of FAME! (I’m gonna live forever)

He is starring in his own reality show about running for public office… Mayor of Wassila! I have no doubt that this is meant to be a stunt and maybe he will win…but because on occasion I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old,  I THINK IT IS FUNNY!  (I know…I just can’t help it!)

Apparently his first campaign stop was at a local GUN SHOW!  (See Amy…another thing you two have in common!) You can’t make stuff this good up.  He was playing politician…shaking hands and babies.  It has also been said that he engaged in quite a conversation about hunting sheep.

Sheep?  Do you really have to hunt them?  Are they crafty or super fast…and I just don’t know?  I looked around and found them on Wikipedia.  Apparently their speed isn’t important to anyone else.  It wasn’t mentioned.  They are a little crafty … they are apparently good climbers on rocky terrain and they use that to their advantage.   (See…at SFS we want to educate and inform)

I am actually probably really going to watch this show…at least to find out more about the sheep.  Will you be watching?

So the Real Housewives of New Jersey had their finale last night and I? Was underwhelmed.

As you know, I am BEYOND excited that Danielle will not be back. She actually ruined the show for me as she was too REAL crazy to watch-it was uncomfortable.

I am beyond pleased that we will no longer have to endure her stellar grammar such as those woman and ain’t nobodies. Hooray!

She did, however, actually say one thing I AGREED with last night. Wait for it and mentally prepare. She said something directed to Teresa about how when her girls were that age they were in lace and crinoline and the dog wore leopard print. Wow. At one point, if it’s true, D may have had like a small percentage of sense.

I was totally confused when they were all sitting at dinner talking about how to get rid of Danielle. I expected people to break out concrete or machine guns…not for Caroline to invite her to tea. I AT LEAST was waiting for a “yeah…we got a problem…take care of it…no evidence” phone call.

I realize that’s not legal but I am NOT buying that these “entrepreneurs” in Jersey don’t have people to “handle” people. (If you do and you’re reading this, please come to Alabama. I will give you sweet tea and we can discuss my list.)

I am DYING to watch the reunion show and see what everyone has to say.

What did you guys think?

(Oh, we won’t be on tonight. Someone “handled” Gellman and he’s trapped in the ATL, with the Real Housewives from there, allegedly, and we don’t want to cough up the ransom fee.)

So NEXT WEEK starts our 15 minute episodes in our further quest to take over the internets-we’ll be everywhere.

TMZ is reporting that Heidi and Spencer were together in Costa Rica this weekend. Spencer says he was handing off dogs. I call bullshit on that. Who the hell goes to Costa Rica to relinquish custody of DOGS? No one. Not even Spencer.

Hmmm they are shouting divorce and sex tapes and reality shows. Does anyone else feel like maybe possibly this could be a PR stunt? I would hate to assume the worst and all but come on.

What do you think? Do you think that the sex tape scandal is really a scandal…or is Heidi in on it?
Do you think the divorce is real?
Do you think Heidi’s boobs are real?

Let us know what you think…we care about your opinions.

The Snarkettes in the Sugar Inc. photo booth at BlogHer10!!!

So it would appear that Heidi’s surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, was murdered!

No, he was not killed by Heidi’s breasts in an unfortunate lap dancing/smothering situation.

The cause of his demise was…twitter.

Apparently the doctor was driving down the Pacific Coast Highway with his pet Heidi, I mean his border collie, and he was tweeting about how much his dog was enjoying the beautiful day…

I seriously feel kind of bad even talking about this but it’s just so damn ridiculous.

Apparently, tweeting about his dog and her love of pina coladas, driving with the top down and making love in the dunes caused him to lose control of his car and wreck.

He drove off a cliff and while he was killed, sadly, his dog did make it. She was thrown from the car and survived.

It is yet unknown if she ran off into the sunset while singing a chorus of Free at Last.

Heidi is beside herself, I mean, mainly cause the size of her boobs actually causes her to sit BESIDE herself in another seat but she would probably be sobbing…if she could anymore. I don’t think plastic cries.

So, AGAIN. WHY do famous people drive? When I become wealthy, first thing I am getting is a DRIVER. Like Kim G. Except I won’t wear unattractive underwear and dance on stripper poles in front of ex-cons.

And? Did he not watch the movie Seven Pounds? Totally cured me of texting and driving. For reals.

I guess they are trying to ummm….

become

stay

be
relevant.

Guess who is going on tour next year! Come on….guess!!!
Ok FINE! I will tell you…
(more…)

We at Southern Fried Snark are longtime lovers of fake hair. And I am going to go ahead and say if anyone wants to give us free extensions and PAY us to wear them-we are all over that.

Paris Hilton? Even screws up things concerning her hair.

She is being sued for $35 MILLION dollars by Hairtech International. Apparently she was paid around $3 million to wear their extensions and comply with their marketing mission. She missed a launch when she was in jail and they also feel her party lifestyle doesn’t fit their image.

Ummm…have they not been watching reality tv and seen what goes on with many who sport hair extensions? And, anyways, it’s PARIS HILTON. You know that story about the person who picked up a snake, got bit and was surprised? This totally applies here. I’m sorry, you knew what she was when you picked her up.

So the hair-ess is in hot water-for wearing other extensions. Her lawyers are fighting it, of course though I don’t know why. At this point in time her lawsuits are probably the version of a parking ticket to her parents. “Oh honey, don’t worry. We’ll pay your fine and I hope you’ve learned a lesson.”

And how are they going to prove she’s wearing the WRONG extensions? Are they THAT different? Will RuPaul testify? Will Kate Gosselin be called as a material witness? Will there be DNA testing?

Stay tuned as we keep our eyes on this hair-raising event.

Apparently there was quite a stir this weekend when a tweet came from famed rocker Axel Rose…I know i was stirred.

All upcoming Guns N’ Roses dates are officially cancelled. Please contact your place of purchase for any refunds.

OH NO!!!! I won’t even ask for a refund…because I shall not leave my bed for days due to the devestarion of this news. Welcome to the Jungle …. of pain and despair!

Wait! What? What did you say? It isn’t true? How can you be sure…my heart cannot take this back and forth and up and down. I need my Paradise City…so please Sweet Child o’ Mine don’t tease me.

“Festival Republic are informed by GN’R management that Guns N’ Roses have NOT canceled their performances at Reading & Leeds and that Axl Rose’s twitter account was hacked into and all claims of dates being cancelled are unfounded.”

What a relief..now I have something to do in the cold November Rain.